I get many jokes and funny articles from friends and club members. A section devoted to stories, half lies and truisms (to share with all) seems like a good idea! If you have any suitable contributions that you wish to share with your fellow members, please send them in…
Sometimes It Takes A Rocket Scientist!
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U..S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo – “Defrost The Chicken.”
Walking The Dog…
A woman was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane… Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney. Along the way, the flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft they could re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Guide Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, ‘Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?’ The blind lady replied, ‘No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.’
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story… Have a great day and remember… THINGS AREN’T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR!
No Fish Under The Ice…
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
“There are no fish under the ice…”
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
“There are no fish under the ice…”
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, “There are no fish under the ice…”
She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
“Is That You Lord?”
The voice replied, “No, this is the manager of the hockey rink.”
Alerts To Threats In 2011 Europe
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
- By John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
True or False…
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it’s from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7% of the population are lefties.
7. 40-people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7-times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are
the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in ‘An Officer and a Gentleman’ and ‘Tootsie.’
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case
there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren’t added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
And for the answers …
They are all TRUE… Now go back and think about #16!
Retire to Alaska
Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. ‘Name’s Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00…’ ‘Great’, says Tom, ‘after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks Thank you.’ As Cliff is leaving, he stops and says, ‘Gotta warn you, Be some drinking’ ‘Not a problem’ says Tom. ‘After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ‘em’.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. ‘More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fighting’ too.’ ‘Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right! I’ll be there. Thanks again.’
‘More’n likely be some wild sex, too’ ‘Now that’s really not a problem’ says Tom, warming to the idea. ‘I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?’
‘Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us…’
My Closet Now…
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, ‘Dark in here.’ The man says, ‘Yes, it is..’ Boy: ‘I have a baseball.’ Man: ‘That’s nice’ Boy: ‘Want to buy it?’ Man: ‘No, thanks.’ Boy: ‘My Dad’s outside.’ Man: ‘OK, how much?’ Boy: ‘$250′
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy: ‘Dark in here.’ Man: ‘Yes, it is.’ Boy: ‘I have a baseball glove.’ The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, How much?’ Boy: ‘$750′ Man: ‘Sold.’
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , ‘Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.’ The boy says, ‘I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.’ The Dad asks, ‘How much did you sell them for?’ Boy: ‘$1,000′
The Dad says, ‘That’s terrible to over charge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m taking you to church, to confession.’ They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door..
The boy says, ‘Dark in here.’ The priest says, ‘Don’t start that crap again; you’re in my closet now..’
Tap on the Shoulder…
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said “are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, “I didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly.” The driver replied, “No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years.”
The Psychic Daughter…
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.”
The father asked, ‘Why did you say good-bye Grandpa? The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.” The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.” The next day the grandmother died.
“Holy crap” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.” Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.”
He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said “I’ve never seen you work so late.. What’s the matter?” He said “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.” She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me…
This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson.
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more. The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it. Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time.” Patrick replies, “Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised dat we’d drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder.”
The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more. Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ……. Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.
One day, he comes in & orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice & fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says, “Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me……………. I’ve Quit Drinking!”
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student, “Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?”
Professor, “Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn’t be a professor, would I?”
Student, “OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can’t give me the correct answer, however, you’ll have to give me an “A”.
Professor, “Hmmmm, alright. So whats the question?”
Student, “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? ”
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can’t crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student’s failing mark into an “A” as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? ”
To the professor’s surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands. “All right” says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer.
“It’s quite easy, sir” says the student “You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. Your wife’s lover failed his exam but you’ve just given him an “A”, which is neither legal, nor logical.”
Sad… Sad… News…
Please join me in remembering yet another great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Dough Boy passed away yesterday from a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71 years old.
Dough Boy is survived by his wife and three children, Play Dough, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough.. Currently, Play Dough is rumoured to have one in the Oven. Services were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes…. !
A Happy Fighter Pilot
Once upon a time, a Fighter Pilot asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess said “NO, you are a fighter pilot.”
….and the Fighter Pilot lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, made many deployments, got good promotions and duty stations and made love to skinny big-breasted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to men’s clubs and dated women half his age and drank Whiskey, Beer, Tequila, Rum, did shooters and Flaming Hookers and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony, hosed cheerleaders, almost movie stars, barmaids and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work or on a deployment and all his friends and family thought he was friggin’ cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. He is HAPPY !
Order In The Court…
These are from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts” and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death…
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them… The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Choosing A Wife…
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her…
Then he married the one with the biggest boobs…
Ole’s pregnant sister was in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awoke and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied, “Ma’am, you had twins – a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.” The woman thought to herself, “Oh, no! Not Ole; he’s an idiot!” Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
“Denise,” the doctor answers.
The new mother says, “Wow! That’s a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name DeNise.”
“What’s the boy’s name?” The doctor replies, “DeNephew.”
The Hunting Accident…
A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. “Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”
“What’s the bad news?” asked the hunter. “The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.” “Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”
“Not exactly answered the doctor. “She’s a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t pee in your eye.”
THE MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH…
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.
‘Man, that guy is stupid,’ I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here’s why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That’s 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That’s 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That’s 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That’s 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That’s 98. 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That’s 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, AND IS ARMED!
Give her the finger? I don’t think so.
Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!”
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, “Ed, that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I’ve been a hooker.”
Ed said, “I bet it’s because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”
Gotta Love Alaska…
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers. “We’re sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife”, said one of the troopers. “Tell me! Did you find her?”, Wilkens exclaimed.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first.” The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay.” “Oh my God!”, exclaimed Wilkens.
Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?” The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.”
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, “If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?” The trooper replied, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.”
A Deaf Wife ?
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
‘Here’s what you do,’ said the Doctor, ‘stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.’
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, ‘I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.’ Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’ No response..
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, ‘Peg, what’s for dinner?’ Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’ Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’ Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. ‘Peg, what’s for dinner?’
‘For God’s sake, Bert, for the FIFTH bloody time, CHICKEN!’
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here’s how it all went.
My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams…I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
“What’s for dinner, Zorro?”
Humor For Men
One day my housework challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’ ‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’ He yelled back, ‘OHIO STATE!’ And they say blondes are dumb….
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world…’
The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…… ‘.
‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.. ‘Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’ ‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death. AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy. .
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder ‘Instruction Manuals’
While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world. Then He made the earth round.
Wait Two Weeks…
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.” The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.” The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.” The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!” The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.” The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!” The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!” “Oh, thank God!”the man exclaims.
“Yes,”says the Chinese doctor, “Wait two week. Fawl off by itself!”
Police Warning: Lock Your Doors!
BE SURE YOU LOCK YOUR DOORS AND WINDOWS AT HOME. A Barrie man was found dead in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes. A banana was sticking out of his posterior… Police suspect a CEREAL killer!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun…
A great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home… I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!!
I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
· My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!
That’s My Boy…
Bruce, an Australian who was working on contract for 3 months in Dublin was drinking in O’Donoghue’s pub in Merrion Row when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up grinning from ear to ear, orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, and announces his wife back home has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds but Bruce just shrugs, “That’s about average in Oz. Like I said my boy is a typical Australian baby boy. Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later Bruce returns to the bar. Greg, the bartender says “You’re the father of that typical Australian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody’s been having bets about how big he’d be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers ’17 pounds’. Greg is puzzled and concerned. “What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born”. Bruce takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says;
“Had him circumcised mate”.
Law Of Attraction…
I was working out in the gym the other day when I spotted a sweet young thing also working out. I asked my trainer that was nearby, “What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet young thing over there?” He looked me up and down (noting that I was badly out of shape) and said, “I’d try the ATM in the lobby.”
A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
“I’m so sorry, your duck has passed away.”
The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m quite sure. The duck is dead,” he replied. “How can you be so sure,” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hindlegs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, miaowed softly
and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!”, she cried.
“$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?”
The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry.” “If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
Car Makers’ Way of Thinking…
A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 4 people steering and 4 persons rowing. Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 2 steering supervisors, 1 area steering superintendent and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 4 persons rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the ‘Rowing Team Quality First Program,’ with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles…
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rowers for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year’s racing team was out-sourced to India .
Here’s something else to think about: GM has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can’t make money paying American wages.
Toyota has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US.
The last quarter’s results: Toyota makes 4 billion in profits while GM racked up 9 billion in losses. GM folks are still scratching their heads.
Why Men Are Never Depressed…
Men Are Just Happier People - What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put…. The garage is all yours…
Wedding plans take care of themselves… Chocolate is just another snack…
You can be President… You can never be pregnant…
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park…
You can wear NO shirt to a water park…
Car mechanics tell you the truth… The world is your urinal…
You don’t drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay… Wrinkles add character…
Wedding dress $5000… Tux rental-$100…
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet… One mood all the time…
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat…
You know stuff about tanks…
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase…
You can open all your own jars…
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness…
If someone forgets to invite you… He or she can still be your friend…
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack…
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough…
You almost never have strap problems in public…
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes…
Everything on your face stays its original color…
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades…
You only have to shave your face and neck…
You can play with toys all your life…
One wallet and one pair of shoes… one color for all seasons…
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look…
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife…
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache…
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives…
On December 24 in 25 minutes…
A Touching XMas Story…
A couple was doing last minute shopping on Christmas Eve. Walking through the very crowded mall the wife looked up and noticed her husband was no where around. She became very upset because they had a lot to do. She used her cell phone to call her husband to ask where he was.
The husband, in a calm voice said, “Honey remember the jewelery store we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?”
The wife, crying, said “Yes, I remember”. Husband: “Well, I’m in the bar next to that jewelery store.”
The Buddy System
On Bud’s Gun Shop Forums the question came up:
What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself? The best answer: My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. Over all the years I’ve been hiking I never leave without it in my pocket. Of course we all know too the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the “Buddy System.” For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone. You bring a friend, a companion or, even an in-law. That way if something happens there is someone to go and get help.
I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in northern Alberta. Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man was she mad! We must have been near one of her cubs. Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I’d sure not be here today. Just one shot to my brother-in-law’s knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace.
That’s one of the best pistols in my safe…
The Lord and the Biker
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”
The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”
The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking;
- The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific.
- The concrete and steel it would take!
- It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.”
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong and, how I can make a woman truly happy.”
The Lord replied – “Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
Oldies Are Goodies…
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.
The girl at the cash register said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog.”
So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.”
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, “That smells like poop.”
The little old lady said, “It is poop. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper.”
Why Get Married…
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, ‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’ ‘Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.’
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: ‘Husband Wanted’. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father, ‘Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?’ Father replied, ‘I don’t know son, I’m still paying.’
A young son asked, ‘Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?’ Dad replied, ‘That happens in every country, son.’
Then there was a woman who said, ‘I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.’
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say – talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, ‘My wife’s an angel!’ Second guy remarks, ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’
‘A Woman’s Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I’ll just beat him to death’
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, ‘Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.’
The blind man replies, ‘If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus.’
Married In Heaven…
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could we possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited.
Two months passed and the couple was still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. ‘What if it doesn’t work?’ they wondered, ‘Are we stuck together forever?’
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. ‘Yes,’ he informed the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’ ‘Great!’ said the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. ‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple. ‘OH, COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, ‘It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a Lawyer?’
Gotta Love Those Norwegians…
A hooded robber burst into a North Dakota bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave North Dakota customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moments hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, “Well, did anyone else see my face?”
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak. Then, one old Norwegian named Ole from North Dakota tentatively raised his hand and said,
“My wife got a pretty good look at you.”
An Irish Perspective…
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel across the road. The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
“Would you look at that!” says the first Irishman. “Didn’t I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?” No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.
“Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!” They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
“Ah, now dat’s sad.” says the third Irishman. “One of the girls must have died…”
No Sex Since 1955…
A crusty old ARMY Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.” The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”
“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 21:30 now.”
A Sensible Lawyer…
One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?” “We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”
“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said. “But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.” “Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You may come with us,also.” The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!” “Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,”Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you?
The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”
What Would You Do…
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. Ron’s mates are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. “Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?” “Well, I’ve been here since yesterday.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘Guess who?’” I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, “Do whatever you want.” So, Here I am…
THE BLONDE MORTICIAN…
A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly… She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’ To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
‘There’s no charge,’ she says. ‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says. ‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’
‘So I just switched the heads.’
The Female Dentist…
A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulls out a numbing needle to
give the man a shot. “No way! No needles. I hate needles” the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says:” I can’t do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!’
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a pill. “No objection,” he says. “I’m fine with pills.”
The dentist gives him a couple of pills. He swallows them. “What are they?” he says. Viagra,” says the dentist. “Heck,” the patient says, “I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer.”
“It doesn’t” said the dentist…
“But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”
A Blonde In Church…
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”
No one moved.
The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared !!!
Life is Short, Smile While You still have Teeth.
Crows Can Say Caw…
I heard that they found about 200 dead crows near Topeka, KS. and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, & he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone’s relief.
However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, & only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
Kansas then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill.
The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that all the lookout crows could say “Caw,” but none could say “Truck.”